Poolside with Slim Aarons

for me, italy first began with my parents. after their wedding they traveled to the coast of Amalfi and stayed at il san pietro — a beautiful hotel nestled a few miles outside of positano with bright orange beach chairs and the sound of the sea hitting against the rocks. for our parent’s 20th wedding anniversary, they took us back to experience the world they traveled to while young and newly married — i’m sure a sense of excitement and adrenaline still in their veins. i imagine my parents blissfully enjoying each other’s company, sipping down aperol spritz’s, and leaning back to soak up every moment with each other. perhaps while having dinner while enjoying a glass of wine or two, talking about the life they’d create in the coming years…or so i’d like to think.

i remember i was in middle school when my parents’ took me, my brother (jake) and sister (paige) back to visit. that summer we were each giddy to embark on the first trip as a family outside of the US. we made three stops: amalfi coast, rome, and venice. it was a really sweet time to be together and experience it as a family, down memory lane. but with that, i also remember the place in my life i was at the time when we traveled there. i was experiencing stress fractures in my shins and thinking about every morsel of food i ate. looking at every picture of myself and and hoping my thighs would get a little bit further apart from each other the following. i would soon find out that my stress fractures would end my childhood hope of playing lacrosse in college and my life would take me in a different direction.

so flash forward until about three years ago, right after the pandemic had opened up boarders. jake and i decided to venture back to italy with our friend Chris Antista (long story short, he was my mom’s intern at Interview Magazine back in the day and is someone that i’ve always admired for his intensely real creative soul, and fucking wild sense of humor). we traveled for inspiration of a new capsule for Fair Harbor, and it turned into an ode to our parent’s 20th wedding anniversary. and it was a trip that i’ll never, ever forget. i remember by then, i was in an entirely different place with my body and relationship with food, but it was still something that i was just getting used to talking about. i love my family, but when i was going through my darkest of days with my relationship with food (it’s still hard for me to say eating disorder), it was really difficult to speak about it with my family. and when i traveled back to italy three years ago, and was eating the pasta that pulled me in while scanning the menu, and not only feeling forcing myself to look at the whatever had the least calories, i felt a sense of relief. i felt fucking free. and i wanted to express that to chris and jake — and i did. i remember sitting on church steps in the small town of ravello, where were staying on the coast of amalfi. and as i took a drag of a cigarette, i started to open up about my relationship with food. by the way…that shell of a caroline who was analyzing if she ate too much of the “fresh catch of the day”, could never imagine what her peers would think of her if she smoked a cigarette. well fuck that, i was starting to experience what it felt like to live and to live deep. to breathe, and to breathe fucking deep. and damn, it felt good. it felt good to start living in the moment, to inhale and exhale with purpose. and so, last summer i returned with my boyfriend — and in comes Nicholas Hellmuth.

i started dating nick about two and half years ago, and without being too sappy about it, he’s become my whole world — and have helped me love myself again. last summer we were each going through a few things, and decided to plan a trip away. to get away from the stress of work, and to get away from the stress of ourselves. and where did we decide on? the coast of tuscany. we decided on hotel il pelicano. a place of pure fucking bliss and oasis. it’s carved out in a little piece of earth’s edge. a place where Slim Aarons used to spend his days photographing the natural beauty of guests and the landscape. and funny enough, where my great aunt had visited 60 years ago.

so last september, we packed our bags, and planned our outfits. this was the first time we had embarked on this type of adventure for ourselves — and escape from the north america continent together. an escape from the stress of every day life, an escape just for each other. and a part of that, was our fashion. and damn, it was fun. we decided to surprise each other with our outfits, and each night became a reveal — some of my favorite pieces from the trip included a green animal printed ganni bikini, a rent the runway Ronni Kobo dress, Zara corset structured dress, and many more. i’m sure i’ll get to this in a future article, but nick loves kith — so as a nod to nick, i showed up with a neutral kith matching set for the plane. and it brought a smile to his face — mission accomplished. a martini at the airport, a negroni for him, and we were off. off for a quick trip of four nights — and little did i know it would be the best three days i could have imagined. with each sip of aperol spritz, just as my mom had, and each outfit change, i sunk deeper into myself. i allowed my previous past of self doubt and second guessing to slowly fade away. the adventures to a small vineyard and homemade lunch by the owners wife — picked fresh from the garden might i add — pulled me into the present moment. moments i tried everything in my power to hold onto. from swimming topless in the mediterranean and biting into pasta that i felt deep in my bones, i just wanted to “hit pause”. to looking at the person next to me that i love so incredibly much. italy brought the best out in me and most of all, it is those trips that have helped me feel like myself again. myself who used to fashion blog furaciously throughout middle school and high school — not caring for a minute what people thought of me. myself who is now back again and this blog is a symbol of my commitment to that. with no other objective than to dig deep into myself. i might be a little rusty with this, but give me a little grace while i get back into the swing of things.

and with that…my favorite song comes on the radio: “days like this”